Rachel is what many men consider a perfect woman. She's beautiful, intelligent and loves football. On topof that she has the best boobs on the telly. We should know, the Irish actress who is Harchester United's physio, AbiFletcher, spent time with us downing iced mojitos and bellinisin Jamie Oliver's restaurant. But that's actresses for you, they're in a different class.
- French philosopher Albert Camus once said that 'man isnever happier than on a football field'. Would you agree?
I think its true for women as well. It depends who you are watching, though. I don't play football, not many girls from south Dublin do. But I watch a lot of it, especially at work.
- Ladies in sport are known for their lesbian tendencies. Would Abi have a lust session with Chardonnay from Footballers' Wives, and could we watch?
You dog - I've heard about you! I can't imagine it,unless massaging all those men's feet turned Abi off for life. She'd never do that with all those lovely guys about. And before you ask, I've never tried anything of the sort. And I don't want to. Girls who go on about that are just after press. Best to leave things to the imagination, I say.
- As team physio do you have a magic sponge, or do you your fingers do the talking?
I use plain, old-fashioned TLC. I touch smelly feet aslittle as possible.
- Are you into good-old sexy massages, the full sauna deal?
Not on the side of a football pitch. I'd never use vanilla essence and burning rosemary in the therapy room. In real life I love it, though.
- Actually, my inner thigh's feeling a little tender. I don't suppose you'd...
Do you know how many times I hear that?
- I can only guess! Apart from Harchester United, who is your favourite football team?
It took me a while to get into football, but I soon realised that if you weren't into it you were left our all pub conversations, so I started to support Arsenal. I've always lived in North London, I've been to Highbury, and there's an Irish connection. They're a very credible team. Although I'm worried about the Ashburton Grovething. And if Patrick Vieira leaves, that would beterrible.
- Who do you reckon is he sexiest footballer?
Freddie Ljungberg.
- What, the camp, Swedish, stay-up-late fashion designer at Arsenal?
Yeah! We like him. And he's not camp, I can tell you. His Ferrari is amazing too, even if he did write it off in a flash-flood at a Swedish hotel last year.
- You are remarkably well informed - we're suspicious. So which guys do you fancy on Dream Team?
They're all pretty sexy, and the great thing is they can playa bit as well.
- Which Premiership side does Harchester most resemble?
Man United. No, not Man United, because Harchester have been going down. Maybe Tottenham, or even Arsenal. God forbid! A Sexy team going down.
- What was Jordan like in her acting debut on Dream Team?
I didn't do any scenes with her, but she seemed lovely. If she put a couple of footballs up her jumper on the set I missed that!
- How do you keep yourself in fabulous shape?
Please! Do you think I am? I've never been to a gym in my life. I drink champagne because it's the lowest-calorie drink, and that's it.
- How did you get into the limelight?
My career started in Ireland in a film called 'I Went Down'.
- Sounds like a porno.
It wasn't rude. In fact it was a quote from Plato. After that I did presenting on MTV and TV shows. Acouple of years ago my agent put me up for Dream Team. That was my big break and I love it.
- Surely your boobs helped? On a scale of one to ten, how do you rate them, they are fabulous!
I dunno. I guess I'd give them a three each, cheeky.
- What's the best way to chat a babe like you up?
Buy me a few drinks, that's a good start. Then tell some good jokes. You should never under-estimate the power of humour. It really is possible to laugh a girl into bed. And you need to wash. Guys, be careful to make the distinction of getting laughs, and getting laughed at.
- How much do attention do you get in public, and do youlove it?
I get a bit over in Ireland, it's very flattering. Last time I went I didn't have to buy a drink all night - I had more drinks than I knew what to do with. The blokes were really well behaved, too.
- Tell us about the charity games that Harchester play against celebrities.
The last one I went to was back in Dublin. It was fantastic - we all went out at night and got smashed on Guinness. The next day we were wrecked, but saw off Boyzone and Westlife.
- No surprises there. You spend so much time in football grounds, have you ever got jiggy with it on the terraces?
No! I did have hot sex in a hot tub on a balcony overlooking the Liffey. It was amazing! I won't tell you who it was with, but he was a wonderful man. Actually, I'd rather you didn't tell anyone about that....
- On a lighter note, do you think Tony Blair lied about the weapons of mass destruction?
What, sex and politics - are you the new Playboy? Actually, I reckon he wasn't in a position to know they existed 100 percent. The whole thing is riddled with questions that haven't been answered.
- Who's your favourite fella off the telly? You must be able to call one up, down a few cocktails, then get spotted leaving in the same hot pants and heels you arrived in thenight before.
You're drunk! I like Ben Sheppard from GMTV. But I've ever tried it on with him.
- What's your favourite sexual position?
The best one, and everybody knows what it is. You can say 'doggy' or whatever you like, but everybody knows what the best sexual position is!
- Well, there are different camps of thought. Do you think the national game should be a family affair promoted by camp promos on Sky Sports, or just for real blokes, to escape nagging wives and girlfriends?
What are you on about? Football is a game that women can enjoy. Women are an integrated part of how football is covered these days. Just look at people like Kirsty Gallagher and Kelly Dalglish! Are you suggesting women don't know about football?
- Explain the offside rule to us then.
Not a chance! I can scream in the right context, though!
- Another drink. What do you fancy?
Bellini and champagne are the way to my heart. Guinness gets me drunk from the ground up. It's very good for you, but you can only drink so much of it before you fall a sleep.
- What TV show would you like to be in next: a hard-hitting drama set in a lap dancing club, with you as lead stripper?
What are you like? I'd like to do something where I weara corset.
- What, like a bondage show, with you trussed up?
No! A period drama with quality actors. The sortof thing BBC2 spends loads of money on. That would keep my mother very happy.
- Don't all women have a period drama once a month?
Just tell your readers to watch Dream Team, the new series starting with the football season. I can't tell you what happens to Abi, except she shows many different sides... and none of it involves threesomes!
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